It's a sick, sad world.

Desperate? Looking for love in all the wrong places? Has the bar scene become stale? Has EHarmony rejected you time, and time again? Well friend, maybe it's time you moved on to Craigslist.

"Craigslist you say? But I thought that was for purchasing gently used coffee tables and red ringed XBOX 360's."

Oh no friend. Burrow deeper into the depths of Craigslist and you will find a treasure trove of social rejects and silly, flirtatious, miscreants just waiting for you to join their ranks.

Recently Dirk and I took a journey into the dark side of the internet's personal ads. The results were stunning to say the least.


Looking for my match, dont do bar or clubs anymore, looking for female me, Im a philosophy major but am going into billing work, not a member of a set religion, like nice toys but not the most important thing, Im very athletic built and workout everyday but dont go to a gym, I love the Simpsons and romantic comedies, have nothing against drinking but dont because I have a weak stomach so 420 friendly instead dont mind if you do either, play music everyday write my own songs and sing, looking for bf to do things with who takes care of body and mind like I do, shot in the dark but not sure how else to meet unless random meeting, pics available on request can exchange

Rian - Ok. This guy has date rape written all over him. The unkempt facial hair. The furrowed, Neanderthal brow. I guarantee that he’s jacking off right now.

Dirk - This man is in GREAT shape from beating past women into submission. Who needs to shave when you have that bitch trained not to look you in the eye?

R - Now, living as close as I do to the meth capital of the country, I can spot a tweaker from a mile away. This guy is so geeked out he probably doesn’t remember taking this picture. Or posting this ad. Or killing that hooker.

D - To help out shirtless pecky man here, I’ve gone onto the webernet and found the philosophy major a little guide to using the comma since he sucks ass at it.

Comma: usage is in some respects a question of personal writing style: some writers use commas liberally, while others prefer to use them sparingly. Most modern North American style guides now recommend using fewer commas rather than more, so when faced with the option of using a comma or not, you may find it wise to refrain.

I got nothing else for you. I give you an F for your life.

R – Also, might I recommend a period? Not grammatically, but I actually want a woman to spray menstrual blood onto him.

I don't know if this is even worth trying, but are there any hippie girls in Peoria? I'm dying to meet a girl who wants to listen to Sublime and make brownies, or hang out and watch a nature documentary on mute with a Zeppelin album (probably Physical Graffiti) playing, or go for some trippy nature adventure, like off-roading to a vortex in Sedona. Somebody who I could have a great conversation with about geeky shit, and then just as easily smoke a joint with and watch The Big Lebowski or Jackie Brown. I'm pretty new to this area, and it seems like there aren't an awful lot of you around. I'm not really into the whole "scene" thing that's pretty big around here, and I'm from New York so pickup trucks are completely foreign to me. I just want to meet a fun, laid back hippie chick who knows how to enjoy life.

If the above ridiculous activities are the kind of stuff you like to do, hit me up! I'm always down for chilling with like minded people, there aren't a whole lot of us around.

And don't worry, I'm not some pitiful, broke-ass burnout or anything. I'm a college student (bio major) and I have a pretty sweet job at a book store. I've got my shit together, but I don't take things to seriously and I love getting the most out of every experience.

I guess since I'm posting a pic, you should include one too? It's not super important but if you want to, go ahead.

R - Look at that MUSTACHIO! Can you imagine the kind of resolve it must take to groom that magnificent bastard? It’s so thin.

D – Jesus, this guy even has the aviator glasses to complete the Magnum P.I. look… or the Unabomber look. Also, Magnum, what would Higgins say if you were compromising your values to smoke a blunt and waste all of that time listening to Sublime?

R – You see, this is why I punch pregnant women in the stomach. Something like this is bound to be thrust forth upon the world, and I’d rather stop it before it happens. He looks like Dante from Clerks. Only without the B-list fame, and the making out with Rosario Dawson. Now I hate him even more.

D – Listen up, Cheech, because of you I’m not going to be able to enjoy Lebowski the next time I watch it. All I’m gonna be able to see is that dumb ass grin floating six inches above that ugly ass shirt. You’ve been burned into my mind, and if I ever see you at Lebowski Fest, it’s on motherfucker!

R - "A pretty sweet job at a bookstore"? Yes, please mustache man. Woo me with tales of a hard day put in at the Barnes and Noble. Douchemuffin.

Hi I am 25 and I am really looking for the woman that I can be myself around a women that I can laugh with and have amazing conversation and an amazing connection I love sports all types of music I am romantic and when you first meet me shy after you get to know me I won't shut up jk Well if that one someone is out there message me

R – “Hey ladies. Just looking for someone to stop by and bounce shit off of my forehead. Hit me up on my Sidekick.” Jesus, Mary, and Joseph...I think that may very well be the longest run on sentence I have ever seen. My brother didn't even make it through freshman year and he's more articulate than this cock smuggler.

D – This douche used “jk”!! What the fuck am I going to do with that?! Get out to your CRX and get back to the streetz. I HATE YOU!! …jk…

R – If you spread Chia seeds on his cranial growth, do you think you’d get enough herbs to roast a chicken? He should get a large black H tattooed on his fivehead so the chopper knows where to land when they have to evac him from a debilitating street racing accident.

D – I’ve got a new phonebook that just showed up on my doorstep that I can donate to this little guy so he can see above his steering wheel. But then we have the problem of his tiny little legs reaching the pedals…

R – You’re right. I didn’t notice it before, but this guy totally represents the Lollipop Guild.

Yes,

Dreams can come true. I hope my dream of find that special, wonderful connection can happen. I'm Matt and I'm an ambitious and creative man. Huge movie buff and love to travel. Especially to Vegas and Cali.

I'm looking for a woman who can light up a room with her smile. Someone warm, intelligent, caring and kind.

Please submit pic when responding.

Have a disney day!

R – Should I even make fun of this guy? I think he’s handicapped.

D - The sad, lonely picture that has to be taken by yourself because you have no one else in your life to hold the camera. All of his dreams came true on his last visit to Disney Land where he was caught jerking off in the Hall of Presidents to a picture of the actress that played Snow White. Also, by having a “Disney” day, he means that he hates the Jews for the majority of it before crying himself to sleep while cuddling his Daisy Duck stuffed animal. Tomorrow your mother will be sure to cut the crust off of your PB&J before you go goose stepping around the neighborhood.

R – I still can’t do it.

D – This guy wants a pic of a woman “who can light up a room with her smile” like his mother. This is the woman that you’re competing against ladies, so put on your Sunday’s best before you head down to the Wal-Mart to get those portraits. She’s nursed her little boy into the panty-waist that he is, so make sure you’re gentle when your grinding his balls under the heel of your boot.

R – Asshole. Now I want to hang out with this asshat just to meet his mom. Jesus. Where did you find that picture? It’s like Mimi Bobeck gave birth to Lemmy’s love child.

Hello my name is Larry, a little about me, I live near ASU in Scottsdale I have my own condo and I live alone! I have been working at the same place for 6 years as a local truck driver. I like anything outdoors like hiking going to the lake doing a little four wheeling with my truck or dirt bike! I also like to go camping when the weather is nice. I like hanging out with friends and my family. I am not a very big partier anymore I drink maybe once a month if that.
I am looking for somebody who likes to do everything I like to do. I am open to almost anything! I look forward to hearing from you:)

Please respond with a pic!!

R – LARRY?!! BWHAHAHAHA. Anyone with the name Larry should immediately kill themselves. It’s the worst name ever. EVER. Also, I can say with confidence that this guy has, on more than one occasion, brutally attacked a minority. Unprovoked.

D – Not touching that one. Larrys have guns.

R – Coward.

D – You’re right, I shouldn’t be afraid of men that have hats stapled to their wall; and again, this man suffers from the “not having anyone else to hold the camera” syndrome. But then, that’s why this poor soul is on Craigslist looking for a woman. Larry should kill himself.

R – Is that a bow staff on the wall above his hat/decoration? This guy is a ninja. I take back everything I said Larry. May you wander solemnly along the path of the great swan king.

I'm looking for a wild night? If you think you have what it takes to go a few hours, let me know. I love to please much more than I like to be pleased. Hot sexy fun. No games please, your pic gets more of mine.

R – “I’m looking for a wild night? Really? I was unaware of that. Well thanks for letting me know.” This is why teenagers shouldn’t be allowed to use the internet. Shirts come off. Rampant sexual ardor is abound. Statements become questions. The world gets all crazy nuts.

D – “I bet you I can throw a football over those mountains…”

R – I think this kid lives across the street. I saw him trying to fight septuagenarians out on the golf course. This is the kind of kid that tortures rats in the basement, wears his mothers clothing while she’s working at Safeway, and lives in his parents’ attic well into his 30’s.

D – I don’t think I have anything else left for this tool other than he’ll be passed out drunk at the lake this weekend, ass up, looking for that “wild” night.

R – If you need me this weekend...I'll be at the lake...