Rian's Rape Van

You are what you eat.

2010-03-08T22:25:00.003-07:00

You can tell a lot about a person by what they eat. For instance, I just ate 2 full servings of chicken parmesan and I'm drowning it with Irish whiskey and Pepsi. If you had never seen me before you would probably guess that I am an overweight, slovenly man barely capable of tying his shoes without sweating. And you would be right.

You can also tell a lot about a person by what kind of music they listen to. People who listen to rap speak poorly and often forget to detach the tags from their apparel. Rock fans drive Jettas with at least one sticker from a radio station in the back window. Country fans are gay. Sorry, I just really don't like country.

But metal fans are a different breed. There are more sub-genres in heavy metal that there are actual genres of music. And every one of those sub-genres has its own hardcore following. Here's a few observations (stereotypical generalizations) that I've made about their fans.

Thrash Metal:
Examples - Slayer, Testament, Megadeth

People who listen to thrash are mostly alcoholics and/or Native American. They're beer swilling, ugly, angry neanderthals. They know this and are proud of it. All thrash fans can play part of 'Enter Sandman' on the guitar. Even when sober, they will act, sound and smell like a drunk person. Yes, they have owned that shirt since 1989. They will head bang and play air guitar without provocation and usually at inappropriate times and locations such as weddings, court hearings, and during movie previews. Thrash fans do not own pants, only camouflage shorts. They also use the word "faggot" a lot.

Power Metal:

Examples - Iced Earth, Manowar, Helloween

Have you ever gotten one of those catalogs full of replica swords and tiny statues of dragons and thought "who the fuck is keeping this place in business?" Power metal fans are. They yearn for the days of yore when knights fought bravely to the death for the hand of the fairest maiden in the land, when dying honorably was all there was there was to live for, a time when words needlessly ended with an e. They like their metal like they like their sex, epic and full of high pitched screams. Like most heavy metal fans they have long hair. But unlike most heavy metal fans it's combed and well cared for.

Screamo:

Examples - Thursday, The Used, Alexisonfire

Screamo is going to be the term I use to sum up nearly every sub-genre that ends with "-core". Screamo fans are just emos with inferiority complexes, which is just sad. They are very emotional people with complex feelings that you could never understand, but are deeply offended if referred to as an emo. They have heard of every band you have heard of and they were listening to them before you. But they don't listen to them anymore because now they've become commercialized the true meaning behind the music is lost. They will tell you that they are not homosexual, and they are only fooling themselves.

Hardcore:

Examples - Hatebreed, Pro-Pain, Biohazard

People who listen to hardcore are beer swilling, ugly, angry neanderthals. They do not know this and will go into a full on fit of roid rage if called out on it. They are wholly responsible for the rise and continuation of cage fighting events. They do not mosh for fun, they mosh to kill. Hardcore fans do not have necks, but instead have large trapezius muscles that hold their tiny, bald heads on. They own at least 3 Tap Out shirts, you know the ones that make it look like they have a tattoo that says Tap Out across their chests. But they wouldn't get a tattoo like that man, because this body IS A FUCKING TEMPLE.

Black Metal:

Examples - Dimmu Borgir, Naglfar, a bunch of other shit I can't pronounce

Black metal is the most unintentionally hilarious genre of metal. Perhaps because the musicians and fans take it so seriously. Black metal fans wear make-up, or more specifically "corpse paint", to concerts, which is just fucking priceless. Some of them will wear it EVERYWHERE. They don't understand that the band members do it because they are putting on a show. Their inability to conform to society's norms (such as not wearing large pentagrams and black studded leather to job interviews) are the reason that you don't see any black metal CEO's. There are 2 kinds of black metal fans, high school drop outs, and high school shooters.

Death Metal:

Examples - Cannibal Corpse, Decapitated, Guttural Secrete

Death metal is largely regarded as the most violent, aggressive, and fastest music on the planet. Listening to it is like watching a horror movie. It's fans, however, are uncharacteristically nice people. Like large, bearded teddy bears. Death metal fans have long, greasy hair and tattoos of graphic murder scenes, disembowelment, or even brutal depictions of rape. They wear shirts that only other death metal fans can read. Every fan of death metal has tried, and failed, to start a successful death metal band, because "successful death metal band" is an oxymoron. They collect horror movies and posters. All death metal fans have taken an "angry face" picture. They also enjoy kittens.

PROPAGANDA!

2008-08-20T05:47:00.000-07:00

Not really. But I got some chain letter that I thought I'd share. I usually delete these and add the people who send them to my "people to kill and eat" list. But this one made me think "yeah, what the fuck?". So here, read.

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please under stand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their A#@, doing drugs, while I work... Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it along, though... Something has to change in this country -- and soon

This is a great idea. I fully support it, and the redneck who wrote it. And then I sat and pondered. Then I pondered a bit more. Then I started looking at pictures of church signs (I have a short attention span). Then I came back to the task at hand, and this is what I came up with.

It looks good on paper, but the problem is that once you take away the crackheads primary source of income where is he going to get his caaaaasssshhhhh? From your wallet...as he's stabbing you in the neck with a rusty screwdriver. Don't get me wrong...I hate the idea of giving my money to a bunch of drug addicts, so they can shoot heroin in their dicks and forget that they left their kids and the DVD player in the bathtub, but look at the alternative. I think I'd rather anonymously donate my tax dollars to a needy tweaker, then have my eyes cut out with the neck of a Schlitz bottle because they're feening.

Also, the ending statement "Something has to change in this country -- and soon"...really? And this is the change we need? I don't really consider myself a political person (the only thing I really give two shits about is immigration, mostly because I'm afraid of brown people), but that is just a silly thing to say. I guess you could put any theory in there and have it be the catalyst for the "change" we so desperately need. Here, let me try.

- If we were to take all of the people with AIDS and put them on an island to fight to the death, not only would we have the countries next hit reality show, but we could solve that nasty epidemic once and for all.

- We could have midgets, nude...midgets, chase down and brutally assault pregnant teenagers. We could sharpen their teeth and get them little spiked collars (the midgets, not the pregnant teens). Who would want to have premarital sex with that being the consequence?

- We could hire Sandmen to kill all of the people over the age of 30 thereby eliminating the need for Social Security, Medicare, and Hometown Buffets.

- If a person commits a crime, the person who the crime was against would choose the punishment, no matter how benign it was. Anything goes. Steal a Snickers bar...an angry Indian 7-11 clerk gets to maim your testicles with a putty knife. This would effectively end crime.

- Line the entire Mexican border with a 50 ft. thick wall of claymore mines. Then use those silly "invisible fence" cameras they have out there to record they mayhem. Maybe they could post it up on YouTube with some zingy jazz music in the background. Hell, we might as well do it on the Canadian side as well. It's quiet up there. Too quiet...

- Turn the Middle East into a big parking lot. A big glass one at that. Ooohhh, shiny! Those people are never going to learn how to live like civilized human beings. Terrorism solved.

These are just a few suggestions of how we could fix the country. Or, we could just give sharp things to the crackheads and see how that goes.

Van Damme movies are really gay.

2008-07-13T02:12:00.001-07:00

I recently purchased a few Van Damme movies and it came to my attention that a lot of his movies could be mistaken for porn titles. Gay porn. So, with that in mind I'd like to see if you can tell the difference.

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

It's a sick, sad world.

2008-06-20T11:38:00.000-07:00

Desperate? Looking for love in all the wrong places? Has the bar scene become stale? Has EHarmony rejected you time, and time again? Well friend, maybe it's time you moved on to Craigslist.

"Craigslist you say? But I thought that was for purchasing gently used coffee tables and red ringed XBOX 360's."

Oh no friend. Burrow deeper into the depths of Craigslist and you will find a treasure trove of social rejects and silly, flirtatious, miscreants just waiting for you to join their ranks.

Recently Dirk and I took a journey into the dark side of the internet's personal ads. The results were stunning to say the least.

Looking for my match, dont do bar or clubs anymore, looking for female me, Im a philosophy major but am going into billing work, not a member of a set religion, like nice toys but not the most important thing, Im very athletic built and workout everyday but dont go to a gym, I love the Simpsons and romantic comedies, have nothing against drinking but dont because I have a weak stomach so 420 friendly instead dont mind if you do either, play music everyday write my own songs and sing, looking for bf to do things with who takes care of body and mind like I do, shot in the dark but not sure how else to meet unless random meeting, pics available on request can exchange

Rian - Ok. This guy has date rape written all over him. The unkempt facial hair. The furrowed, Neanderthal brow. I guarantee that he’s jacking off right now.

Dirk - This man is in GREAT shape from beating past women into submission. Who needs to shave when you have that bitch trained not to look you in the eye?

R - Now, living as close as I do to the meth capital of the country, I can spot a tweaker from a mile away. This guy is so geeked out he probably doesn’t remember taking this picture. Or posting this ad. Or killing that hooker.

D - To help out shirtless pecky man here, I’ve gone onto the webernet and found the philosophy major a little guide to using the comma since he sucks ass at it.

Comma: usage is in some respects a question of personal writing style: some writers use commas liberally, while others prefer to use them sparingly. Most modern North American style guides now recommend using fewer commas rather than more, so when faced with the option of using a comma or not, you may find it wise to refrain.

I got nothing else for you. I give you an F for your life.

R – Also, might I recommend a period? Not grammatically, but I actually want a woman to spray menstrual blood onto him.

I don't know if this is even worth trying, but are there any hippie girls in Peoria? I'm dying to meet a girl who wants to listen to Sublime and make brownies, or hang out and watch a nature documentary on mute with a Zeppelin album (probably Physical Graffiti) playing, or go for some trippy nature adventure, like off-roading to a vortex in Sedona. Somebody who I could have a great conversation with about geeky shit, and then just as easily smoke a joint with and watch The Big Lebowski or Jackie Brown. I'm pretty new to this area, and it seems like there aren't an awful lot of you around. I'm not really into the whole "scene" thing that's pretty big around here, and I'm from New York so pickup trucks are completely foreign to me. I just want to meet a fun, laid back hippie chick who knows how to enjoy life.

If the above ridiculous activities are the kind of stuff you like to do, hit me up! I'm always down for chilling with like minded people, there aren't a whole lot of us around.

And don't worry, I'm not some pitiful, broke-ass burnout or anything. I'm a college student (bio major) and I have a pretty sweet job at a book store. I've got my shit together, but I don't take things to seriously and I love getting the most out of every experience.

I guess since I'm posting a pic, you should include one too? It's not super important but if you want to, go ahead.

R - Look at that MUSTACHIO! Can you imagine the kind of resolve it must take to groom that magnificent bastard? It’s so thin.

D – Jesus, this guy even has the aviator glasses to complete the Magnum P.I. look… or the Unabomber look. Also, Magnum, what would Higgins say if you were compromising your values to smoke a blunt and waste all of that time listening to Sublime?

R – You see, this is why I punch pregnant women in the stomach. Something like this is bound to be thrust forth upon the world, and I’d rather stop it before it happens. He looks like Dante from Clerks. Only without the B-list fame, and the making out with Rosario Dawson. Now I hate him even more.

D – Listen up, Cheech, because of you I’m not going to be able to enjoy Lebowski the next time I watch it. All I’m gonna be able to see is that dumb ass grin floating six inches above that ugly ass shirt. You’ve been burned into my mind, and if I ever see you at Lebowski Fest, it’s on motherfucker!

R - "A pretty sweet job at a bookstore"? Yes, please mustache man. Woo me with tales of a hard day put in at the Barnes and Noble. Douchemuffin.

Hi I am 25 and I am really looking for the woman that I can be myself around a women that I can laugh with and have amazing conversation and an amazing connection I love sports all types of music I am romantic and when you first meet me shy after you get to know me I won't shut up jk Well if that one someone is out there message me

R – “Hey ladies. Just looking for someone to stop by and bounce shit off of my forehead. Hit me up on my Sidekick.” Jesus, Mary, and Joseph...I think that may very well be the longest run on sentence I have ever seen. My brother didn't even make it through freshman year and he's more articulate than this cock smuggler.

D – This douche used “jk”!! What the fuck am I going to do with that?! Get out to your CRX and get back to the streetz. I HATE YOU!! …jk…

R – If you spread Chia seeds on his cranial growth, do you think you’d get enough herbs to roast a chicken? He should get a large black H tattooed on his fivehead so the chopper knows where to land when they have to evac him from a debilitating street racing accident.

D – I’ve got a new phonebook that just showed up on my doorstep that I can donate to this little guy so he can see above his steering wheel. But then we have the problem of his tiny little legs reaching the pedals…

R – You’re right. I didn’t notice it before, but this guy totally represents the Lollipop Guild.

Yes,

Dreams can come true. I hope my dream of find that special, wonderful connection can happen. I'm Matt and I'm an ambitious and creative man. Huge movie buff and love to travel. Especially to Vegas and Cali.

I'm looking for a woman who can light up a room with her smile. Someone warm, intelligent, caring and kind.

Please submit pic when responding.

Have a disney day!

R – Should I even make fun of this guy? I think he’s handicapped.

D - The sad, lonely picture that has to be taken by yourself because you have no one else in your life to hold the camera. All of his dreams came true on his last visit to Disney Land where he was caught jerking off in the Hall of Presidents to a picture of the actress that played Snow White. Also, by having a “Disney” day, he means that he hates the Jews for the majority of it before crying himself to sleep while cuddling his Daisy Duck stuffed animal. Tomorrow your mother will be sure to cut the crust off of your PB&J before you go goose stepping around the neighborhood.

R – I still can’t do it.

D – This guy wants a pic of a woman “who can light up a room with her smile” like his mother. This is the woman that you’re competing against ladies, so put on your Sunday’s best before you head down to the Wal-Mart to get those portraits. She’s nursed her little boy into the panty-waist that he is, so make sure you’re gentle when your grinding his balls under the heel of your boot.

R – Asshole. Now I want to hang out with this asshat just to meet his mom. Jesus. Where did you find that picture? It’s like Mimi Bobeck gave birth to Lemmy’s love child.

Hello my name is Larry, a little about me, I live near ASU in Scottsdale I have my own condo and I live alone! I have been working at the same place for 6 years as a local truck driver. I like anything outdoors like hiking going to the lake doing a little four wheeling with my truck or dirt bike! I also like to go camping when the weather is nice. I like hanging out with friends and my family. I am not a very big partier anymore I drink maybe once a month if that.
I am looking for somebody who likes to do everything I like to do. I am open to almost anything! I look forward to hearing from you:)

Please respond with a pic!!

R – LARRY?!! BWHAHAHAHA. Anyone with the name Larry should immediately kill themselves. It’s the worst name ever. EVER. Also, I can say with confidence that this guy has, on more than one occasion, brutally attacked a minority. Unprovoked.

D – Not touching that one. Larrys have guns.

R – Coward.

D – You’re right, I shouldn’t be afraid of men that have hats stapled to their wall; and again, this man suffers from the “not having anyone else to hold the camera” syndrome. But then, that’s why this poor soul is on Craigslist looking for a woman. Larry should kill himself.

R – Is that a bow staff on the wall above his hat/decoration? This guy is a ninja. I take back everything I said Larry. May you wander solemnly along the path of the great swan king.

I'm looking for a wild night? If you think you have what it takes to go a few hours, let me know. I love to please much more than I like to be pleased. Hot sexy fun. No games please, your pic gets more of mine.

R – “I’m looking for a wild night? Really? I was unaware of that. Well thanks for letting me know.” This is why teenagers shouldn’t be allowed to use the internet. Shirts come off. Rampant sexual ardor is abound. Statements become questions. The world gets all crazy nuts.

D – “I bet you I can throw a football over those mountains…”

R – I think this kid lives across the street. I saw him trying to fight septuagenarians out on the golf course. This is the kind of kid that tortures rats in the basement, wears his mothers clothing while she’s working at Safeway, and lives in his parents’ attic well into his 30’s.

D – I don’t think I have anything else left for this tool other than he’ll be passed out drunk at the lake this weekend, ass up, looking for that “wild” night.

R – If you need me this weekend...I'll be at the lake...

Crescent fresh.

2008-06-19T06:49:00.000-07:00

I've been watching old episodes of Sifl and Olly lately. If you didn't see it, it was probably the greatest television show EVER. Two sock puppets, interacting with other sock puppets, and all of the ridiculously stupid hijinx that go along with it.

Watching it makes me feel old. It show was on from '98 - '99. That was 10 years ago. Watching this is about as close to a high school reunion as I'm going to get. Except I don't get to tell everyone that I didn't ruin my life by breeding, and then promptly take my happy ass home to bang a teenager I met on Yahoo Personals.

But I digress.

The humor on Sifl and Olly can only be described as "re-god-damn-tarded". Meaning that children who grew up watching (and having their brains rotted by) Ren and Stimpy, would probably enjoy it. I can only assume that it was made for potheads...and at the time, I was more than happy to oblige.

And just to make you feel smarter for watching it, they would give you a character like Chester. If Chester were real, there would be no doubt that he would be that kid that crapped his pants in 5th grade and would publicly lament when you took his hat. But you couldn't help but love him. With his half spoken, half stuttered speech, and his wandering thought patterns, Chester was there to make stoners feel like they could outwit at least one person. Even if he was a sock with sunflower eyes.

And who could forget The Precious Roy Home Shopping Network? Selling you all the items you never even knew you wanted. Edible sandals! Sasquatch Repellent! Chicken Flavored Air Conditioning! How could you not want the taste of chicken saturating the air? It comforts the body and the mouth.

But among my favorites is the following episode. It pretty much sums up the entire show. Everything you need to know about the show is here. If you've never seen Sifl and Olly, then this is your chance to jump on it before it is swallowed into the annals of history.

If you have seen it, then you can thank me later.

And speaking of rape.

2008-06-13T05:42:00.000-07:00

If you're reading this for the first time, or you don't know who I am, this entire blog is not reserved for rape. Although a large portion of it may be dedicated to it, I may also occasionally talk about what I'm drinking at the moment (Jack Daniels) or a review of a concert I recently attended (Dethklok/Chimaira). I might tell you that I work with a girl with nice tits. We could discuss immigration issues. If you'd like, send me a long, poorly written email about something you'd like to argue about, or something that you're sure will make me angry* and see what I write about in here.

But, fortunately for the 4 of you reading this, today will most definitely be about rape. Sweet, delicious, rape.

You see, my job is horrible. I really don't do anything. At all. I'm supposed to be packing things for shipping purposes. But a hefty portion of my night is spent hitting the Random Article button on Wikipedia and reading the news. And during one of my click-throughs I saw this:

Woman Abducted, Raped In Desert

MARICOPA, Ariz. -- A woman walking in a Mesa neighborhood early Wednesday was abducted, driven to a desert area near Maricopa and sexually assaulted, Mesa police said.

The motorist asked the victim if she needed a ride and then grabbed the victim, forced her into the vehicle, and drove her to a secluded desert area near the town of Maricopa where she was raped, investigators said.

-

Ok. So, just another atrocity on the wild, crazy streets of Phoenix on any given night. But then I got a look at the composite sketch and had to do a double take. I'm pretty sure I know the attacker. You decide:

Here's the composite -

And here's my suspect -

A striking resemblance isn't it? The hairline. The Captain Morgan facial hair. The shifty, beady eyes. Thick, dark, caterpillar-like eyebrows.

Not enough evidence? How about the fact that he lives in a "secluded desert area near the town of Maricopa"? Or maybe you should take a look at this -

He's out there. And for once, it's not me.

*For those of you paying attention, it doesn't take much.

2008-06-10T08:24:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't really decided where I'm going with all of this. Mostly just a place to showcase my unbelievable outbursts of anger, my extreme geekdom, my stupid projects, and maybe touch a life or two. I've been using the myspace (yeah, I'm old, I call it "the" myspace) for my outlet. But it's gotten too ridiculous over there. So I think I'll keep my writing confined to this little speck on the face of the web, and use myspace for what it's really for. Meeting teenage girls.